I think the most difficult part of my "recovery" from my difficult childhood was dealing with the issue of the Sovereignty of God. If God truly loved me, why didn't he spare me from the ugly things? He was the "Good" Shepherd, wasn't He? Yet the Scriptures are very plain in declaring God's sovereignty [check out some of Rich's entries on Calvinism and God's Sovereignty]. Nothing escapes God's eye, nothing surprises Him. I recall spending several hours one day on my bicycle outside my childhood home, trying desparately to remember any good thing that had happened in there. As I mentally walked through each room, I only saw the trauma. Now that I'm older, I understand that my brain was "purging" the repressed memories. Still, it was a very sad day for me.
As I went off to Bible college, I took several theology courses. I devoured the survey courses on the Old and New Testaments. I eagerly "sparred" with my classmates about those biblical issues like election, the perfect will of God, and the meaning of God's foreknowledge. But it wasn't digging into Scripture that solved the issue of my past, but rather several experiences that God used to demonstrate the truths of His Word.
One particular instance stands out in my mind.
I had a very good friend in college, and for reasons too lengthy to deal with here, we hadn't spoken or written in some time. I was concerned that a disagreement had separated us. She was too good a friend to just let her slip away. I went to the lake on campus and poured out my heart to the Lord. I wrote in my journal that day:
"I'm not asking You to change the circumstances, but to change me. I'm not asking that You fill the hole in my heart with another friend, but to mend it and fill it up with YOU."
Feeling a little refreshed, but still heavy in heart from my loss, I walked back to my dorm by way of the mailroom. I checked my mailbox, and of course, as you've guessed, in it was a letter from my friend. Seeing the return address sent a surge of hope through me. But it was far more beautiful than mere correspondence. My dear friend wrote, "I saw this the other day, and it made me think of you." What followed was a poem called, "What is a Friend?" It was a tribute to my faithfulness to her in the good times and bad; my understanding of the contradictions in her and in our relationship; my unconditional love for her.
A flood of tears fell from my eyes in thankfulness to God. But it wasn't just thankfulness for the restoration of our friendship, which, by the way, has lasted over twenty five years, but also because God allowed me to suffer just long enough for me to surrender my will to His. I was ready to release the earthly relationship because I truly wanted what God wanted in my life. The sorrow that I felt softened my heart. I had said goodbye to far too many people already in my life—this one just seemed to hurt more because she was such a valuable person. Yet the event helped me to know that whatever God wanted in my earthly life was secondary to the fact that He wanted my heart.
As I reflected on this, I realized that a great deal of the hurt in my youth brought me to dependence on God. It also taught me no one is "too far gone" for the gospel. It also has given me a unique connection to some young people I am blessed to know. I know from Bible stories like Joseph and Moses, that the circumstances in our lives uniquely fit us for service.
There is one verse that sums up my satisfaction in God's Sovereignty. It is Romans 8:29 (in the callout box to the right). God's design in my suffering is to make me like His Son. This one truth is all I need to make sense of the struggles I've faced. What else could I want than to be more like Jesus?
I remember a specific example of when God taught me that I had to release something and simply seek my comfort in him. Mine was not nearly so serious or heart-rending as yours.
ReplyDeleteWhen I left school and returned to my home church, I became involved in the music program. After three years of college study as a vocal major folks expected me to be able to sing. But I had terrible stage fright anytime I sang in a small musical group--and much worse stage fright whenever I had to sing a solo.
Quite a few years after leaving school I was praying just prior to singing a solo for church. The song I was singing had great words that I really wanted to communicate to the congregation. I realized that my stage fright could create a situation that would distract from the message of the song. As I felt the butterflies getting active in my stomach, I prayed that God would impress the message of the song on the hearts of the people in the way that he saw fit. I prayed that nothing I might do would distract from the message. And I told God that I didn't care if my performance was an embarrassment to me, as long as the message still got through.
As I ended the prayer, I felt a tremendous sense of calm sweep over me and I was able to sing the song well without the vocal problems and breathing problems that happen when stage fright creeps in. I recognized that this was a direct answer to prayer that was built on my desire to find peace in God's glory and not in my musical abilities. That realization has helped me in my musical ministry every since.
God loves us so much that he is willing to lead us through difficult times that will turn us toward him. The verse you mentioned in your post (Romans 8:29) follows another verse that also speaks to this all-important focus: Romans 8:28: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."