A politically correct alphabet primer

A	is an Activist itching to fight
B	is a Beast with its animal rights
C	was a Cripple (now differently abled)
D	is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled"
E	is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls
F	was a Forester, now staffing McDonald's
G	is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered"
H	is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender
I	is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it)
J	is a Jingoist—love it or leave it!
K	is a Kettle the pot can't call black
L	is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack
M	is a Mindset with bias galore
N	was a Negro, but not anymore
O	is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love
P	is the Patriarchy (see "O" above)
Q	is a Quip that costs someone a job
R	is the Reasoning done by a mob
S	is a Sexist, that slobbering menace
T	is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest
U	is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression
V	is a Valentine, tool of oppression
W	is for "Woman," however it's spelled
X	is a chromosome we share in our cells
Y	is a Yogi for the easily led
Z	is a Zombie, the differently dead

Disclaimer

The traditional order of the letters in an alphabet is, of course, completely arbitrary. In spite of its association with excellence in archaic, competitive, literacy-obsessed school grading programs, A is no better or more deserving a letter than X, Y, or Z.

Therefore, to deflect any criticisms of a noun-centric bias, I employed a random-letter generator before working on this new alphabet. Believe me, I was as surprised as anyone that, despite the tremendous odds, the random-letter generator spat out the alphabet in the exact order shown above.

From Once Upon a More Enlighteneed Time,
by James Finn Garner