September 20, 2008

A politically correct alphabet primer

A   is an Activist itching to fight
B is a Beast with its animal rights
C was a Cripple (now differently abled)
D is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled"
E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls
F was a Forester, now staffing McDonald's
G is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered"
H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender   
I is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it)
J is a Jingoist—love it or leave it!
K is a Kettle the pot can't call black
L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack
M is a Mindset with bias galore
N was a Negro, but not anymore
O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love
P is the Patriarchy (see "O" above)
Q is a Quip that costs someone a job
R is the Reasoning done by a mob
S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace
T is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest
U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression
V is a Valentine, tool of oppression
W is for "Woman," however it's spelled
X is a chromosome we share in our cells
Y is a Yogi for the easily led
Z is a Zombie, the differently dead


The traditional order of the letters in an alphabet is, of course, completely arbitrary. In spite of its association with excellence in archaic, competitive, literacy-obsessed school grading programs, A is no better or more deserving a letter than X, Y, or Z.

Therefore, to deflect any criticisms of a noun-centric bias, I employed a random-letter generator before working on this new alphabet. Believe me, I was as surprised as anyone that, despite the tremendous odds, the random-letter generator spat out the alphabet in the exact order shown above.

From Once Upon a More Enlighteneed Time,
by James Finn Garner

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