Sometimes It’s Blessed to Receive

It is far easier for me to offer encouragement to the hurting than to accept that I also need someone to fuss over me. I am such an optimist, that when I actually feel emotional pain or discomfort, I run from it. I try to pretend it isn’t there. Though I may tell 100 people that it’s okay and good to grieve, sometimes I forget that truth for myself.

That’s why it’s been hard to admit that I’m actually having negative emotions in my current trial. But I'm going to step out of my comfort zone here, and let you in on my struggle.

I have had a lump on the side of my neck for about three months. It has gotten bigger, so I finally made an appointment with the family doctor. I got in to see him on September 14th. He’s a super guy, and so when he was rather concerned, I went on my usual rabbit hole search. I just ignored the emotions and dealt with the facts. He told me it was likely a lymph node and that the first step would be bloodwork to rule out lymphoma. He said, “hopefully that will relieve some of our concerns." The second step was to meet with a surgeon "as soon as you can get in.”

Well, the bloodwork came back normal, and yes, that did set aside some fear that I was refusing to acknowledge. Thursday morning I met with a surgeon who again told me that it probably wasn't lymphoma, since I lacked most of the classic symptoms, and that was good news. However, the lump was not close to the skin, but deeper, and before he could biopsy it, he wanted to see what it was and where it was. So I was to be scheduled for a CAT scan “as soon as possible.”

So this morning I am going in for a CAT scan. It is very hard for me to let myself know, let alone others, that I am worried (it was even hard to type the word, “worried” just now). I have been fairly comfortable sharing with others the need for prayer, and the calls from dear friends who demand that I give them a call if I need anything have been wonderful. I’m just uncomfortable being on the needy side. I told a friend last week that one of the emotions I was ignoring was that I find it repulsive to be sick and needy—not in others, as I just love to swoop in and help. But when the focus shifts to my needs, it’s just really, really uncomfortable. But God has placed me here, and now it’s time for me to listen rather than speak—and for those of you who know me even remotely well, THAT is rather difficult in itself!!

Nothing is worth having unless God gives it to me, and God will NEVER give me anything that isn’t worth having.

Surely I would love for you to pray that all the tests turn out well, that surgery isn’t necessary and that it will go away on its own. However, I think there is a greater need here for which I would like you to pray. God has placed me here so that I can enjoy the fellowship of His saints. He wants to give them an opportunity to serve Him by meeting my needs. He may even wish to let me handle the rough road by relying on Him instead of myself. So instead of praying for my health alone, pray too for my spiritual health, that I may not run from my emotions, but instead take them to my loving Savior and my wonderful friends. Pray that I will grow more like my Savior in this time of uncertainty, and that I would seek His glory rather than my own comfort.

This I know from past experience: There WILL be a God Story on the other side of this trial, and I look forward to the opportunity to tell it. God always does amazing things. But while I am IN it, I want to be a witness to God’s awesome lovingkindness and mercy.

So as you pray for the results and outcome, please pray for my spirit to be humble and resolved. Pray that I won’t crawl into hiding from the negative emotions and pretend they don’t exist. Pray too, that I will be transparent with myself and the wonderful saints in my life about my needs.

Now, I’m closing with my personal “creed,” which I wrote while still in college with my friend, Rich, over 25 years ago. I arrived at this statement while trying to make sense of my difficult childhood. I have found this statement to be biblically true, and have yet to be disappointed in trusting the God of whom it speaks.

Nothing is worth having unless God gives it to me, and God will NEVER give me anything that isn’t worth having. I know that His desire is for me to partake of the Divine nature, to become like His dear Son, as well as to bring Him glory.

Thanks for partaking with me in this journey by your prayers and words of encouragement!